WFTH #2 : Year of Reflection
If 24 was about accepting my flaws and striving for improvement, then 25 must be about sacrifice. In these past 365 days, I have had to sacrifice so much to survive. My social, family, and love life all had to be put aside—even my own education. I’ve had to learn that survival is sometimes something that you’ll have to do. And it’ll make you do things you don’t necessarily want to do.
Like work 2 jobs in a day. Or put your Journalism degree on hold so you can earn enough money to remove yourself from a toxic household. I don’t want a pity party. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I’ve come to terms with the fact that this period of my life is simply what comes with Adulthood. I’ve made too many mistakes to count these past few years. And I know the mistakes won’t miraculously stop once I turn 25, but I can officially say how much I walk with caution after everything.
The loneliness that has come from the constant working has become normal for me. After everything that has happened in the past year, I have accepted that it is best if I stay to myself.
You know, growing up, I saw sitcoms and shows about various groups of Women that hang out and support each other through Adulthood. Shows like Friends and Sex in the City. And it made me realize how much of that kind of support is missing in my young adult life. It seems as if I have spent these first years of being an adult constantly mistaking people for my close friends when, in actuality, we weren’t that close at all. After some reflection, I blame myself for getting so attached to people so quickly and anxiously. Another reason I have chosen to isolate myself.
Other reasons could be the common occurrence of me being the “Last to know, last to get invited” friend for some. But again, this is ultimately a reflection of myself at the end of the day. I’ve come to learn that I don’t have to worry about getting invited to places if I go to said places on my own.
I have spent the last 5 years trying to find my circle. Because every woman has a circle, right? A group of friends that she can call or meet up and talk about anything? Well, not me. And that’s okay. I have gone to war with my mind for so long on why that trope skipped me and my life. But another thing I’m letting go of is the constant mentality of being a victim. So I finally surrendered to wondering why I feel so alone when it comes to friends.
The truth is, I might just be the woman who walks her path alone, paying her bills and staying alert. I’ve looked everywhere for my own Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, or Miranda, but every attempt has ended in disappointment or drama. I’ve accepted that, for now, it’s just going to be me. I think that’s best for me and for those around me. I’ve hurt people who didn’t deserve to be hurt, trying to mask the hurt in me. I reserved hurt for those who did hurt me, only to end up projecting it onto others.
And I don’t want to be that person anymore.
So let me walk this lonely road. I want to come back as a better person. And no, I don’t want this to be a group project.
It’s just me.
